i couldn't sleep yesterday night. not being able to sleep brings about thoughts which in turn, brings about realization. there is this certain conception that i will always be be stuck in the middle of everything i aspire for. that i can never reach for the highest no matter how hard i try. the realization of the fact that there is so much i can do, so limited, that i will never succeed even though i've tried my hardest. i've never been the person who takes risks, not after the fiasco at least. i think if you don't take risks in life, you probably won't succeed or achieve what you aspire for. when i say 'risks', i don't mean the fuck-all kind of risks, those insignificant financial risk-taking nonsense. i'm talking about life-changing risks. the kind of risks that you take to achieve your dream at the expense of something else so ordinary but at the same time, valuable. like, fuck everything else that is the norm and go crazy, the rockstar kind of risks where he cashes everything he owns to make it big kind of risks. if you fail and lose everything, then fuck it, tough luck. you have to lose to learn how to win. the learn-from-your-mistakes bullcrap which is invariably true to a certain extent. that's the problem with me essentially. i'm afraid of failing so much so that i tend to stay in my comfort zone.

(so dearest bestie, defy all the social and racial expectations, fuck them all and throw them into the bin because i think you two look great and happy together.)

thus, i'm gonna give an example of how i've been trying to be a risk-taker. in the spirit of the great singapore sale, i went shopping and wanted to get meself some good pair of extra sneakers which i don't need. i found a pair of airmax that i fell in love with but, somehow i felt that something was amiss and decided not to buy it. disappointed with my own decision, i went home feeling fucked. later on, i got home and found out that my jojo was sick, that she was sneezing and her eyes seemed teary. so we rushed her to the vet and the bill amounted to approximately a hundred bucks. so, by taking the risk of following my gut feeling, a kind of feline-human mental bluetooth of sorts between me and jojo, i prevented poor jojo from suffering more.

actually, baby had already addressed, resolved and gave her good two cents' on this random issue. it's just that i feel that i should record this somewhere because random thoughts are rare now that it's all national service.