i'm just a crosshair

cam whoring is the way to go. no, it's not about the male vanity. it's a way to kill boredom during the in-betweens or the prelude to training sessions. mwahs.

and today was a day of revelation for me. for starters, i officially completed the attempt to damage my lungs. no cheating but pure deep breathing. i will not make it a habit although it will be collective. the bad influence, sufyan, thinks i wear perfume despite my persistent "no, you idiot. it's bloody cologne". still, i fucking thank him.

the cat in school loves ee-lie-ass more.

oh, and i really think ee-lie-ass writes well apart from air and hanis. check his blog here. i love his witty way of putting things.

and finally,

"sometimes it's a sad song."

-.-

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

spoilt.

and once again, i decided to dribble my saliva all over the couch of life's miserable truth. it's those silly questions that kill you when you just think that the world is not perfect as it should be taking into account of yourself in the picture: why can't things go that way? why can't things go my fucking way? why must things be this way?

call me a spoilt brat and i won't give a hoot. the truth speaks for itself - i AM a spoilt brat. materialistic, self-conscious, image-conscious, self-centered and particularly ignorant, i shite on everything if i don't get what i want. today for example, i made do with constant 'fuck-off's to arrogant malay aunties who refuse (or so i thought) to give me way when pavementing to 7/11. trivial and petty, i know.

maybe i was grumpy because my nap was cut short and i had to assume something which caught my eye. ranking system, failure and racial piss.

i think it gets fucked up when i start throwing tantrums sub-consciously and consciously to God. my life is modest enough or some might even see it as splendid. if blogs can reach to God (which i know it will), then i truly apologize. i am thankful for everything that God has given me.

not that i'm not enjoying it.

now, i certainly don't mean that i want to throw everything i have now. karma has a way of playing with you. the statements above is my realization of how i am religiously torn as a person. it's a liberal chance to open up to God about my own problems. there is no malice whatsoever directed towards God. so, i'm just praying hard that nothing shitty will happen with this. controversy is risky business.

still, i can't explain why i dislike everything about myself.

spoilt, i tell you.

Monday, February 20, 2006

alan smith's awkward fall that resulted in his dislocated ankle and broken leg sent shivers down my spine. fortunately, i did not catch the match on tv. the description and pictures of his horrific injury was enough to make me cringe. soccer hazards can be fucked up at the very core and usually, these injuries are not caused by heavy tackles but due to awkward falls.

i had my own case of ligament injury which lasted half a year. that did set my ass of knowing how painful injuries can get and how shitty the rehabilitation process can be. on top of that, you will get rusty after your long absence.

injuries are as real as the NYP handphone scandal and my NYP mates are making full use of the bluetooth technology.

well, i hope smithy will be fine.

and finally, happy belated birthday, hongo! hope you like the brokeback foosball thingy.

Friday, February 17, 2006

i'm signing up for taiji-quan.

(soccer, however, is a cruel game.)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

happy v-day, people.

heike was the sole reason why i dished out several MMSes to certain people just to wish them happy v-day. she bribed me in school by her unusually cute outlook today and her "awwing" compliment. later on, she reminded me about my MMS stint last year. so yeah, why not do it again this year?

apart from the religious barrier, heavy commercialization and over-priced items that make flower-shop owners grin with the coming of v-day really bugs the hell out of me. it's expensive and impractical and it's probably satan's way of pulling in materialistic values upon God's slaves. i've even got some invites by some of my single, bitter and emotional mates for a drinking session which i am tempted not to refuse.

but hey, i'm trying to be a good boy, yeah? so not this year. besides, i've got a date with cjc soccer team the next day.

okay, so i'm not being romantic but i guess i'd rather charm my way for the rest of the year than imposing severe fiscal suffering towards my coin pouch on one big occasion. money is everything, isn't it, ladies? so said martina who wants 'a blank cheque with a signature' for v-day. although it's a very nasty statement, i have to agree that guys should provide monetarily and financially.

let me get a job first, ya?

and one final confession on v-day is the sexual reference of which is ultimately the touching up on an otherwise perfectly fucked up and very flawed day.

yes, i certainly am horny today.

and so my publicly proclaimed ambition to learn how to play the piano was heavily criticized by a few people who assumed my hidden motives of wooing women. i guess, it is wrong to want to be musically inclined or at least try to have a dream of being esthetically refined. with the romancing season on, any suspicions can be considered. but the fact is that my ambition is sincere with my utmost respect towards my mates who can at least play a bloody instrument. it's not about attracting the ladies but instead, it's about embracing what you always blast on your earpiece every morning of rhythms and tunes alike and trying it out yourself.

but no, i'll pass on the piano ambition because it takes years to master and it's too fucking difficult and expensive as well.

the match against cjc tomorrow is crazily anticipated. i seriously don't want to lose on our home ground especially on cca day. with loads of people watching, pride is definitely at stake.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

cough, cough.

i am coughing constantly that i can hardly sleep. if this is God's way of making me suffer, it really is working. i am truly sorry to all the people that i have pissed on upon.

however, if this is the voodoo doll trick or the black magic doings in making me shit my ass off, i swear i'll initiate a counter-attack (once i get to know who the heck is responsible).

just fucking lemme sleep.

the front page of the straits times today flashed clearly the unrest at the wake of the satirical cartoons on prophet Muhammad (pbuh) by one of the danish newspapers. events pertaining to this issue have really snowballed with the widespread publication of the cartoons. these protestors have taken quite a step in making sure that their voices are heard.

i am a muslim, and no noubt, there is a feeling of animosity at the build up of the cartoon controversy. i am neutral about this issue but i try not to be apathetic. the cartoon was an infringement of the respect that religions should get and i think that the other european newspapers who are re-publishing the cartoons are childish, if not malicious in every way with the motive to build up more tension towards the already tainted islamic world.

so the prime minister of denmark was quoted to saying that this issue is turning into a 'global crisis' because of the increase in violent protests. it is funny how everybody, the bush administration included are indirectly pointing their fingers towards the muslim world for this controversial issue. sure, the danish newspaper which was initially responsible did apologize for the cartoons but to turn away and let the cartoons spread, watch everything unfold negatively at the expense of the muslim community is a huge act of cowardice.

i am a moderate muslim and i always try to keep an open mind with political cartoons. maybe i don't have the right to give my opinion when i have not seen the controversial cartoon yet. in fact, i do not even want to see it in the first place. contemporary artists of the norm have all struck me as brilliant and creative people. personally and honestly, if the controversial cartoons were not hyped up negatively, i would not have dismissed it totally. i probably would have a laugh at it and chucked it aside taking it as something trivial. but that's only me.

it's the media, really. they were arguing that we should not get all violent regarding this issue, that we should be tolerant and we should allow freedom of speech. that, i agree but already familiarised with these extreme muslims after post 9/11 period, these people should know that religion is something serious to the muslim world especially in the middle east. why put burden on the anger more? if we muslims should protest peacefully and not turn violent, isn't the satirical cartoons of the prophet equivalent to a huge insult of the muslim history? an insulting protest towards the muslim world taking shape of a ridiculous cartoon versus peace protests. that is not fair, isn't it? and making a lot of noise trying to be diplomatic doesn't work at this time of the century anymore. it never did work throughout history anyway.

as much as i don't agree with the dealings of these extremists, i feel that they have the right to react the way they did.

freedom of speech my ass.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

impossible beauty and appeal,
oh how my eyes longed.
and wanted,
and needed - my overkill.

you are my physical drug, of course
i would eat you alive.
but who am i to you?

distant stares fulfills hunger
of infatuation,
of attraction.

yes, nothing more. a male impotence -
shallowness. trademarked and copyrighted.

i want to own you, nonetheless,
and when i get bored,
give me three days
and i will get over you.

ooh, i just changed another shoelace.

it's just one of those days when you want it but you actually don't.

confusing isn't it?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

hands down.

and despite the specifics, i do want this:

"This night is wild, so calm and dull,
these hearts they race from self control.
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine,
we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.

.
.
.

Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember,
always remember, the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers,
and the time on the clock, when we realized it's so late,
and this walk that we shared together.

The streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
so I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist,
and you kissed me like you meant it,
and I knew that you meant it."

uh huh.

it was an innocent date with several school assignments at good 'ol mcdonalds. so there was taufiq, at the very corner, writing piss which was irrelevant to fbts, thighs, kate nauta or manchester united. the ipod reads 'mardy bum' and a line below, 'the arctic monkeys'.

in comes susan, her presence felt, short hair, tall for a girl(and leggy), myopic, wearing designer frames, in flip-flops walking to the counter taking her order, nodding to the enquiries of the cashier on the confirmation of her order while she studied the surrounding. and of all the empty tables in the restaurant, susan picked the very corner.

it was deafening. the bloody ads mcdonalds have in promoting (or brainwashing) consumers and customers who eat in the restaurant and those faux documentaries which are as boring as shite on the lcd tvs blasting away.

munch, munch.

write, write.

susan smiled.

"working hard, i see?" she smiled again,"nice day, yeah?"

he pulled off the earphones and chuckled, "yeah, yeah."

and it was back to minding their own businesses again. to munch. and to write.

taufiq did not feel the need to pursue the conversation. he, however, felt a greater desire to matchmake functions g and f so that he can get to see an amateurish porn of composite make-outs amongst functions g and f. and then, he wondered on the range and domain of the composites so that he'll know how much they can fuck and emit sexual fluids that would be good enough for a reproduction of real numbers.

so it was a short 10 minutes of pornstars functions g and f.

writing done. but still munching.

and packing up, and in the bin goes the large sprite and out the door taufiq walks.

and no goodbyes and no last smiles.

i meant it when i said that "i don't know what i fucking want (in life)." it's stupid. no, i'm stupid.

i do know that i want a tattoo and a new pair of soccer boots.

and nowadays, pride and ego are so overrated that it's almost uncool.

hanis told me that i post too much shites on pride, thighs and fbts. -.-

Friday, February 03, 2006

virgos and virgins.

this awesome piece had me laughing:

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) -
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) -
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) -
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) -
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) -
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) -
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) -
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) -
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) -
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) -
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) -
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) -
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

any other virgos in the house? woots. we 'often fall asleep while fucking'.

thanks airina!

gastric and a fucked stomach.

i missed my jogathon today because of queen diarrhoea. family dinner outside gone bad.

knn.

"like giving birth like that. pain, okay?"

Thursday, February 02, 2006

because i'm scum.

i don't have any fucking idea of what i really want in life.

after the fiasco, it was back at square one for me. targeting a five-year-plan, i pretty much have everything set for what i want to achieve academically, socially and personally. however, are these worldly goals really necessary?

my mates told me that i've changed over a short period of time. it was an almost certain decision on my part: i had to change. to be a loser or to be a winner. now, my morale is up on the high and pride is alive and kicking balls.

i definitely have something to prove to my family, to my mates, to my teachers and basically to society as a whole. i've picked myself up, armed with new strategies and good to go for my daily dealings. my way of living life might change, might be too extreme even but i have to fulfill it in such a manner because i am desperate for personal satisfaction.

and you can perhaps say that i am in fact craving attention.

recent happenings showed me how much of a huge fucker i (and how much others) can be. i don't want any of the hoo-hahs anymore and perhaps none of the stupid dramatic scenarios. i'm sticking with a mundane lifestyle of waking up, going to school with the regular occasional flirtatious episodes and tire myself out with soccer or working it out. when you're too exhausted, you will automatically switch yourself off from reality. and on a good day, i'd reward myself with frapps and a book regarding arab-israeli or middle eastern islamic commentary. that would be the ultimate icing on the cake.

seriously, no more.

because i'm scum.

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spoilt.

happy v-day, people.

cough, cough.

hands down.

virgos and virgins.

gastric and a fucked stomach.

because i'm scum.